"get a life aru"
a comment was flashing on my new status on facebook..i ignored it initially( whole day) but then at night, before retiring to bed, during my daily introspection, that line flashed back into my memory..and all of the sudden some words started to dazzle in front of my eyes "life, fun, laugh..." I closed my eyes and tried to pray , soon went off to sleep..but those words remain etched in the back of my memory...and for the next few days , whenever i used to be alone or jobless, some random thoughts perturbed me.. and left me disoriented..all this lead to a serious introspection of my present way of living...
and what found out was..that I was actually DEVOID OF LIFE...a vacuum inside me had been created...EVEN THOUGH I WAS ALIVE, I WAS BREATHING , I WASNT LIVING..I WAS MERELY EXISTING...
The more i looked inside myself, my fears grew worse..n then came the worst of all...when i discovered the LOST OF PASSION.., the fire, the drive that kept me going was missing...ghossshhh....i was afraid to know that nothing made me happy...happiness seemed to be an outlandish feeling for me..and i was slowly becoming the person i hate..i was gradually inculcating the habits which I abhorred...i was so much consumed with existing that i had stopped living...i felt so lost...i could sense a gulf created between me and my dreams..i was feeling like an EMPTY SHELL..bound to the chains of my fears and failures and solitude.. this scared me to death..i felt numb...my thoughts were spiraling me down into nothingness...My ears met the wails of my poor soul.. POOR SOUL, A LOST ONE.
...and in midst of this turmoil, a music being played in my neighborhood was trying to reach my ears...( It irked me because it was being played so loud and was kind of hindrance to my thoughts....when my attempts to connect my thoughts failed miserably, i surrendered ..and laid down with close eyes , listening the music...)
"Sometimes i feel fear of uncertainty stinging clear,
and I cant help but ask myself , how much
I'll let fear to take the wheel and steer...."
Each and every word was providing an impetus to my exhausted sub-conscious mind..a ques was put on , ans was awaited.. the ans has to come from within..Is this the way i want to live, actually thrive in this world..? Can i lose my freedom to the evils of my imagination...And impromptu came the ans “ NO, NO .....NNNNOOOOOO…..”
AHH...My heart had finally answered , and this brought a great relief within. Doesn’t matter , life has been unfair to me sometimes, but i just cannot stop dreaming. It struck to me that i have always been a good player of sports..never surrendering to my opponent so easily, fighting to win each and every point..Isn’t LIFE A GAME ?( Though it has its own rules , some weird ones too) How can i surrender so easily to my fate without putting a fight...no, this is not what i m , running away cowardly ....
That moment i realized, how much time i have lost in brooding and complaining to GOD for the scars that were given to me..
The only feeling i lacked was inspiration and faith , faith in my abilities , and faith in GOD .The moment i lost them, i had started digging a grave for myself. Since then, peace of my mind had deserted me. Didn’t matter, how much i used to meditate, my soul always wandered...
Though, few times, i felt the inner urge to move on, but that wasn’t just enough...But these little doses in between always made me felt that the embers within me were still left and all i needed was a little will..a little push...
And as it goes 'better late than never' i m happy to find myself back..to find the lost will power and mind beaming with positive thoughts . Even though, some ques of mine remain unanswered, some thoughts do stir my soul but i don’t let them take on my nerves anymore..
Life has strange ways to teach us lessons..sometimes we pass as though we are born champions and sometimes we fail miserably ..but failures doesn’t mean that life has come to an end..Its just a way to tell us that you need to do a little more 'hard-work', you need to learn to be a little more 'patient' and you need to 'believe' a little more in yourself.. I am happy to find my rhythm back..n i m all set to write my own song...SONG OF LIFE !!!!!
“Sometimes I feel fear of uncertainty stinging clear
and I can’t help but ask myself , how much
I'll let fear to take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel…..”