When I killed Myself for a Little CREDIT !

 Sometimes we expect too much to happen over a short span of time.  Well, life changes in a matter of few seconds but here I am talking about something else.  I am talking about your work-life, your office – the place you are married to ;)

What do you go through- when you have really put in so much of efforts in your work but you are not given the due recognition? I am quite sure, each one of you reading this post must have faced a similar situation at least once in your life. What are your feelings at that point of time? How do you handle the whole situation? Of course, you don’t end up shooting your boss (though we do dream about it). How do you move on? Do you learn something from all those situations?

Before you dive into your emotional memory zone and start looking for answers, here’s a small sneak peek into how I went about this whole scenario of hard work, luck and much more. Interesting part is, my reaction has changed as many time I have confronted such a situation in my life.

(It includes all my experiences when I thought I deserved much more than I was given. And some part of it is fictional too. So please don’t bother yourself much about thinking when this happened in my life. )

Ever since my birth, my parents always taught me to work hard (and earn brownie points).  Diligently following this piece of advice, I made it a point to put in my cent percent in whatever I do. And gradually, it became my characteristic. But the first time came too early in my life. The first time when I didn't get my desired result. I felt cheated. I thought the whole world was being unfair to me. Poor soul. Angered, I pledged NOT TO WORK HARD.

But as they say, something that runs in your blood is hard to avoid. I had to break my promise. And I thought maybe I just ran out of my luck, good luck. But no, result was no different the second time. Yes, I again met a disappointed result. No one acknowledging my efforts. This time, I promised TO WORK HARDER, HARDER THAN BEFORE, and HARDER THAN EVER.  (A contrast to my first promise)

The third time I faced this situation and I was like, it’s Over. How could I be the victim of this bad luck again and again? Few wise people told me it’s not fate; it’s all about doing Smart Work. Eww.. SMART WORK.  Yes, the work culture had changed. Success’s definition was not defined just by hard work but it was more about smart work. I observed and learned from the people I studied with, worked with. And I was happy, finally, I knew the success formula- HARD WORK + SMART WORK (the deadliest weapon in my hand that could knock down anyone, mind you, anyone!!!!)

Confident that finally I will be on the top, my efforts will pay off, I continued to work. But I was too blinded by my own faith that I overlooked what was happening around me, by the people whom I trusted, whom I worked with. It happened again. I was back to square one. I found myself missing from the achiever’s list. This was the FOURTH TIME.. You must be kidding me. Again all this shit.  It was then; I was introduced to this corporate world.  WELCOME TO THE CORPORATE WORLD, MISS ARUSHI. The place where office politics is a part and parcel of the people’s life. If you don’t know how to play or if you wish to stay away, then bear the brunt of the someone’s game.

(I thought all this happened only in our movies, in reel world. But no, it was a stark reality I had to face) I had to make a decision, whether or not to join this game. To see myself on the top, my vision was blurred by the glittering wild phantasms of fame and recognition at that time. I got into this dirty business. Over the period of time, it just got dirtier and dirtier. I somehow, started losing my interest in work. I was more occupied with the concerns of others rather than the outcome of my result.

 But did it all pay? Yes, it paid-off. I finally got what I always wanted. An award, a recognition, name, fame.. (Of course money followed).

But if today, you ask me- Was it all worth for? I would say – NO.

No, because I had lost the voice of my conscience. I let my values get diluted.

No, no because I was standing all alone. There were people around me who looked at me with same jealousy and envy in their eyes, something that reminded me, of how I felt years back standing at their place. And I knew exactly what’s going to happen to this crowd standing in front of me.  I had just shown them one of the ways to the top- which I now doubted.

I had so many questions in my mind and I still do. I don’t know what I did was right. Being selfish for your own betterment is a right thing to do especially when the world around you is so selfish to you? Is there another way I could have chosen? Should I be practical or should I be virtuous and principled?

This is not the end. My life has just begun. And I have much more to achieve. The question in front of me is – How? Certainly, I know one thing, I cannot do this all again. I cannot but get my hands dirty again. There has to be another way. And I am left to discover it. More potent question is – Do I work to get somebody’s recognition? Or I do work for I love doing it? Do I have to prove myself to this world? What If I chose to silently work and keep living my life? There’s a series of questions coming in my mind. A lot to ponder and act..

But, what about you? Have you been let down by your fate, by your friends, by your circumstances? Have you been in a situation when you thought you were rightfully denied what were yours and only yours? When you had put in efforts to make the presentation and some other colleague took the laurels away from you?  What was your reaction and the course of action? Please, do share your thoughts with me in the comment section.

P.S: It’s just amazing how each experience of your life teaches you something about your own-self, your inner characteristics, your strengths and your weaknesses. They say it correct- Life’s all about the journey, a journey which leads to self-discovery.

Continuing the blessed journey of my life, celebrating each moment !!!!  

Are you Living in Fear? Just like Me..

21 December, 2012. 6:00 A.M.

I got up and looked outside my room window. It was still dark and silent. I had an urge to go on a morning walk but somehow I lacked the courage to step out all alone in that haunting silence of dimly lit street in those wee hours of the day. It was not the chilling cold climate that killed my spirit but the fear.. fear of something strange, fear of anonymous following me, fear - I cannot name it. 

At this present moment All I can say, I am not the only girl living with this fear. There are thousands of other girls living with this fear, lakhs and more, battling with this fear each time they step out of their homes into this world. And not just the girls, but their parents and family members too are caught in its grip.
When Derek O'Brien said in Parliament- "I am a father of 17 year old girl and I am horrified.....", his fear sounded similar to me, for I sensed the same fear in my parent's voice, when each day they called to know my whereabouts whenever I went out with my friends, whenever I was travelling alone be it in auto-rickshaw, local bus, trains..I used to frown at my sister for not allowing me to go out late evening with my friends, for putting so many restrictions, I used to feel choked and miserable for not letting me enjoy my freedom of being away from Home. But now, I think, I would have done the same to my younger sister seeing the situation in Delhi and Gurgaon. Yes, I don't feel safe. No matter, how brave or coward it may sound, but the truth is that-I fight against this fear each day.

And moreover, all these daily headlines and talks about : - "city-unsafe-for-women", "Restrictions-on-women's-dress-code", "a-girl-raped-and-thrown" etc. heightens my fear inside (though it leaves me frothing at the mouth at the same time, ironic !!). What do I do of this unknown, uncalled fear that's silently percolating in my conscience and thoughts through these headlines and news and leaving me hollow ( just like termites do it to wood from inside).How do I reinforce the assertiveness, strength in myself if my mind is again and again reminded of the increasing atrocities on WOMEN around the globe through every channel of information- be it newspaper, news channel, entertainment? How can I refrain from thinking the vulnerabilities I am exposed to?

One suggested, may be by creating a sense of positivism,  realm of safety through the same medium that generates this fear. Yes, through media, through Law, through us. Why not? By changing the tone of information, by formulating stringent laws against such crimes, improving the policing and monitoring, by bringing change in society, by bringing change in education, by changing the ways children are brought up.. Yes, BY CHANGE. But, it's far easier said than done. I am not being pessimist here. I do hope that we finally live in a society that's safe not only for HER but for everyone. And I am ready to do my bit to bring this change. All I am dubious about is the TIME- how long will it take to bring this change in our society.. How Long? How Long do I have to put on this FIGHT for my own Existence of being a Women, for my own Freedom? The question is - HOW LONG? At least, I should get an answer to this one.


P.S:  I am not asking - Why should I- a woman-put a fight at All, I am born equal to any other man on this earth and I am entitled to enjoy all the freedom that a man enjoys by birth. But I am not. For it's seems to me a futile question at the moment. 
All I hope, I soon get a chance to come up with yet another post titled - "Are you living in a safe society? Just like Me.. "

On my route to self-discovery which also encompasses one beautiful aspect- Being a Woman. 

Being the First one, not the Next one

There are some few ads which leave a lasting impression on its viewers. Take the recent hits- 'hum mein hai hero' and ' har ek friend zaroori Hota hai' which became songs of the nation, just because somewhere we could connect to it. Or the most recent Satyamave Jayate's song series, it's all over radio..dil Pe lagti hai toh baat banti hai... So true..

So is this post inspired by the new Classmate ad I watched and straight away left me thinking and questioning my thoughts, our thoughts. Here's a brief description: a boy gave a good speech and someone in audience say- he's gonna be next Obama, teacher praises a young girl by saying - you'll b next Einstein, next tendulkar, next so n so.. None of the child is happy for they want to the first, First saumya gupta, first so n so..not the next one.
This ad and most important, the message shook my whole thought process. Yes, why can't we be the first of its kind? Why do we think and project ourselves to be the next bill gates.. Why we don't connect to our own identity?
Often, we look onto our role models and aspire to be like them. I believe learning from them is not wrong but copying them is not right either. We often miss to give our self touch and end up being either close to our role model or nowhere. And in both manner we are loosers, end up disappointed for we didn't get what we thought of. Loosing our individuality in becoming someone else serves no good. And many of us would agree.
Another aspect which is clearly conveyed in the ad is the thinking, mindset of us, society. We often tag everything. We compare everyone with everyone. Our praise or whatever is always relative and related. Can't we change our thought process? Can't we accept and praise the uniqueness that's in everyone?  Stop confering titles each time ( I won't say everytime, because sometimes, such kind of praise is required for morale boosting) and praise the individual for what he is.
I believe there has to be 180 degree change in our thought process. We should acknowledge our own uniqueness, our individuality, our own identity and should do the same in others case.
I am ready to be the first of my kind. Are you ready too ?

( on my route to self-discovery. Life keep giving me surprises and lessons in unexpected ways.. More to come, more to learn and a lot more to share)

It was the darkest moment,
The cruelest act,
You denied to speak
And turned into ash.

You might have chosen
To surrender yourself,
But I fail to accept it.

I am caught in that moment
And my mind refuses to escape.
My heart aches, blood boils
And people taste hatred in my words.

I do not wish to forget but
I do wish to forgive ,
Not for myself, not for this world,
But for you because
You would have done the same
Had you hold it on.

Dare you to CHANGE

We make plans enthusiastically and we fail at them miserably but still, we never give up planning and neither our habit of failing them. Only, if we could change the latter,we'll cross the line and be on the other side of grass which seems greener to us all the time. And to check the reality, we have to cross the line but alas, marred by our own   mental inhibitations, we thrive a mundane life wishing for something magical to happen like in fairy tales and how sad it is, we can lead our whole life on these changing dreams and desires and wishful thinking but never dare to move and be on the other side of line. How easily each time we console ourselves for missing the target. All the anger that boils our blood, all the guilty realisations, everything is- just like tides coming and hitting the shore and then vanishing away. It's only sometimes, the torrents / tsunamis come and change the scene. We too wait for that tsunami to come in our life and those lucky ones,which get hit , their lives changes for good or bad, God knows but "change" does come to them. And rest of us, we keep on waiting to be wooed by change, never thinking to go and embrace it all by ourselves. We wait till it is thrust-ed upon us whether we like it or not.
So today, I dare myself to bring a CHANGE in me, which I have been resisting for long and have paid a heavy price so far for my resistance. Can you think of any habit you would like to change in yourself but have not been able to ?  Anything that you have been planning to do, but didn't have courage to? Think and I am sure, you'll end up with a long list, So, it's time to Challenge Yourself, DARE YOURSELF to bring that CHANGE IN YOU, to do all those DARING things which you have always wanted to do.

P.S.: Wrote this post a month back but didn't publish it. May be, I was holding back, something inside me didn't approve. But not any longer. On my journey to self-discovery, I don't know how many times I will have to dare myself to walk that extra mile, but I am no longer afraid to Dare Myself. 

Too Many Mind

Nobutada: [after Algren is defeated in fencing pratice] Please forgive; too many mind.
Algren: [puzzeled] "Too many mind?"
Nobutada: Hai, mind the sword, mind the people watch, mind enemy - -too many mind.

[seriously]
Nobutada: No mind.
Algren: [pretending getting it] No mind. 


It's a quote from a movie "The Last Samurai" and I am a huge fan of this movie starring Tom Cruise. Though the entire movie is a treat to watch, this quote has specifically left a lasting impression on my thoughts, ever since I watched it for the first time. A short description of the scene-
Algren(Tom Cruise) is being taught how to fight with a Samurai sword and he's struggling to learn the technique. He's thinking about lot many things- the sword, the people who are watching, how to protect and eventually failing to learn. Nobutada tells Algren to stop thinking of other things. All these things are dividing his attention and so he needs to free his mind and let his insticts guide him.
That's possibly the best advice one could have given at that time - Too Many Minds---> No Mind.  I'll take it a little further: Too Many Minds-->No Mind--> One Mind.

And the advice still stands good for many of us. Sometimes, we need to stop thinking. Stop thinking about others expectations, assumptions about the career,about luck, destiny, love, hurt, hatred and everything that keeps our mind occupied unnecesarily.We just don't think, but over-think on these issues so much that we miss the reality. It's our habit. But what we don't realise is that it divides our focus and drains us mentally eventually letting tensions and worries to take a toll on our health and the side-effects follows ( And our dear ones become the victims too)... Uhh.. Heavy price we pay, isn't it?

Is it too hard to stop our mind from wandering or do we just don't try hard enough to do it? Are we so used to this commotion that silence in our lives haunts us? Definitely no. We do long for the inner peace. We do wish to put an end to all the troubles. But the only problem is, that we merely wish and nothing beyond. We  merely THINK and DO NOT ACT. We loose to our inner evil that plays game with our mind. We keep ignoring the reality which seems so simple. Simplicity no longer appeals to us. Its the complexity we choose to go after, becoz the more intricate it is, the better chances of showing our prowness. We might have mastered the art of MultiTasking in computer field but in human life, we still yield better result by focusing on things one at a time.

A lot of books have been written on this, there are people who have much more to say, guide and offer us a solution and fundaes to overcome it, to make our life blissful and meaningful. But do their magic works?? If at all, world would have been altogether a different, better and a peaceful place to live in. Alas, it is not. Why? Why it is not? For now,  I leave this question unanswered, for each one of us to figure out on own, as I do it for myself.
[ To be continued.. ]

P.S.: Every day, life surprises me , it has so much to offer. Continuing on my journey to self-discovery, will keep this blog posted about my random questions, vague thoughts and inspirations.

Sadda Haq ( An inner rebellious calling )

People around me were jumping and singing, eating and drinking, banging their heads and enjoying the live music being played loud and clear. Everybody seemed to be soaked in that music which was thumping in my ears too but unlike others, I wasn't able to comprehend the words. All I could just see was the human figures dancing to the tunes under the dim disco lights. But for me, this dimness was suffocating, the whole scenario choking me to death and as i saw smoke rising from cigars, I felt my own happiness, my own dreams ending in a smoke too.

I ran out of the place, in an alley lit by a solo street light. And cried my heart out. I wailed, but no one was there to see it, feel it the way I did. Yes, I was in pain and no one was to be blamed for this. I chose my silence and i was reaping the fruit of my own seed of dead voice. It was silence, which I mistakenly took for quietness, but two are way too different, isn't it? I understood finally.

Every time, I chose to be silent when I was required to speak out. I silently followed what others asked me to follow without questioning, without raising eyebrows when in doubt. I silently listened to what they spoke, silently accepted whatever they offered, good or bad. Not even once, I thought twice and whenever I did, I felt myself amidst a bunch of fools and silenced my inquisitiveness. I under-estimated their foolness or over-estimated my strength to bear things, I don't know but today I surely felt victimized by my strength. They say- "Excess of everything has its bad consequences." It certainly has.

But tonight, I want to break off the chains of slavery. I want my voice to be heard, my thoughts to be respected and accepted (well). I want to shred this image of silent mistress, an obedient follower. If this stuns the world, I don't care. For I have cared too much for too long and now I am tired. I am tired for doing everything for other's happiness. I enjoyed it, loved it, still do and will always do but it shouldn't be coming at the cost of my own freedom, my own little happiness and desires. Sooner or later, my patience had to give in and I am not surprised by its breakdown. Its not sudden outburst. The spark has always been inside, just today it turned into burning fire. Thinking what the world will say- has always stopped me from doing what I want but no more worldly-wise barries. I hope it won't hurt much to anybody if I think a little about my ownself , to become a little selfish in this selfish world.

Am I right or wrong, I don't know. All this I wrote is the result of an outrage or my deep hidden thoughts, I don't know. All I know is - I shall continue with my journey of self-discovery, self-realizations and keep stunning everyone and myself with my weird realizations or the sudden dawn of wisdom if I may say ? :P