Do you fear taking decisions - What you can do about it?

 The other day, my partner brought a very important observation up for our discussion. It was my growing habit of seeking approval from him on each and every thing - from everyday decisions like what meals to cook, daily grocery shopping choices, what to wear to bigger ones like holiday planning, work related decisions etc. Another striking observation made by him was that when I am on business travels, I take my own decisions, I plan for my weekend trips, practically decide everything own. So why do I exhibit a different behavior when I am with him. Why can't I take decisions and trust it will all go well?

Does this situation sounds familiar (or I am the only one odd here). I am sure, some of you can relate to this. Think of the last time when you took a decision all by yourself that had consequence on your closed ones? When we are alone, we take decisions or are made to take decisions and we trust them. But when others are involved in the consequences directly or indirectly, quite often we seek approvals on our decisions from a close aid. And we often label it as 'taking guidance' though deep down in our hearts what we are seeking is someone to approve that we are on right track. 

For some, making decisions can be a terrifying prospect of everyday life. This habit may have different driving factors such as fear of something going wrong, fear of rejection of our choices, fear of disapproval as a decision-makers that comes from having made a bad decision or just a lack of clarity on what exactly is needed. The end result is low confidence and getting stuck in a loop. The person is unable to move forward to new experiences.  

Tips to overcome the fear, lift oneself and shine:  

Some may attribute this fear to gender differences in decision making such as women are more risk averse to men etc. But I would like to address this issue by rising above the gender equation. Here are few strategies, some of them I have practiced in the past, some I read and found it appealing to give it a try, practice them mindfully to become a better decision-maker:

1. Being more compassionate to myself: Many a times we fear taking a decision despite being logical. One of the ways to overcome subconscious fear is via meditation. Through meditation, we can practice to be self-compassionate and try to be non-judgmental on ourselves. As per scientific studies, on continuous practice, meditation can have profound impact on our sub-conscious mind helping us to make decisions based on self-belief. 
2. Self-talk to learn to trust myself: This is an amazing technique. I learnt this when I was attending a Women Leadership Summit in Infosys. The concept is very simple. Every morning, get up and stand in a  powerful pose, take a deep breath and give a loud shout "I am a good decision -maker and I trust my decisions." Repeat it 5 times. This may sound hilarious but it definitely works to boost one's confidence. I have tried it in the past and I shall try it again now. 
3. Reduce the number of everyday decisions: Steve Jobs practiced it. Elon Musk practices it. Reduce the decision-making in everyday life so as to focus one's energy on big decisions. I admit it openly that I am a spoiled daughter-in-law. Back in India, I never had to take these daily decisions of what to cook, what to buy etc. My sweet mother-in-law made it so easy for us. After moving to new country without her, I was spending way to too much of my time on taking small decisions and usually ended up irritating my partner with these small decisions. I remembered back in India, we made an entire list of meals for seven days. And I tried to do the same here. Preparing a set meal menu for each of the weekday, wearing a standard clothes for outings and having a set routine reduces the stress of everyday decisions. And if my partner has a difference of opinion, he puts it across and suggests an alternative. Win-win situation!
4. Adding layers of perspective: 'What ifs' scenarios usually holds us back from making decisions. The mystery element - uncertainty factor - adds to our tension. There are two ways to look at this. One way (which is also the most common suggestion) is to think the worst case possible. 'What is the worst thing thing that can happen if I take this decision?' Such a strategy helps one to prepare mentally to face the consequences. I used this technique recently while making a career related decision. Another way is to add a different person perspective whom we trust and admire. 'How would Ms. X would have done it?'. This is very common technique we see in movies where cops are trying to chase the bad boys. Don't you think it is worth giving a shot and see what options can we come up with! 
5. Breathe: If small decisions add a lot of stress, take a pause and breathe. Take a deep breath. If possible, take a small nap. Sleep and deep breathing helps to de-stress and clear the mind of unwanted things. It helps us to be conscious of the present moment and think through what's going on. With a  clear mind, its easy to write down the decision, commit to it and move on with life! 

If you have any interesting ideas to deal with the fear of making decisions, please do share it with me in the comment section. 

Paralyzed by too much of free time: 3 ways to make to cope up with its effects

 Change is an unavoidable fact. When I moved out of home for the first time, changed cities, got married, or switched jobs. I handled it quite well. But this time, it is challenging. It's been two months now since we moved to the new place, London! It has been a thrilling experience so far - 14 days isolation, Airbnbs, house hunting, job interviews, celebrations away from home etc. All said and done, taken everything in a stride. And trust me, this can be hard but not challenging. Rather, the challenge for me is to manage my time specially when I am out of job currently. 

With ample of time at my disposal and for a freak like me who can't think of wasting time doing a nonsensical thing, this is challenging! I never had this much of free time ( except for when I attended Vipassana but there I was devoting my time for meditation). I know some of you may be rolling your eyes because this is what exactly most of us wants when we are tired our jobs. Free time. But free time with no plan - this is not good; maybe good for 10-15 days but not beyond.  

"Too much free time is certainly a monkey's paw in disguise. Most people can't handle a structureless life." ~ Douglas Coupland

Image by DigiPD

Thanks to my partner who noticed that I am feeling a little out of place and not being myself at times. As we discussed, I realized how I am obsessed with a set routine. But somehow, my routine has gone for a toss because situations have changed altogether. I was feeling overwhelmed and didn't know what I need to do and how can I better utilize time. Towards the end of our conversation I accepted that I need to mend my ways to accommodate and  embrace this change in my day-to-day life and find value-added activities to indulge in. 

It's ironic, that in my profession I help clients to embrace change. I discuss the change management plans for them to adopt the changes in their day-to-day operations. But in real-life I totally missed it. Phew! Lesson learnt :-) 

Here are three things that I am following to prepare my mind to embrace this change and use my free time effectively. These activities help me to face my daily dilemma and keep me away from procrastination and anxiety:

1. 5 minutes meditation whenever stuck: An year and a half back, I attended Vipassana wherein I learnt to focus on present. And I try to practice it now more often than before. I find it to be the best way to calm my senses whenever I realize myself to be torn between past and present. The constant comparison in mind between my past routine in India and present often drifts me away from making the best of available time. Five minutes of quick meditation and stillness helps me to bring my focus on present and value it. It allows me to think what matters to me the most.   

2. Journaling: Thanks to my father who suggested that I should journal, a practice I had long forgotten. So now, every morning, I write my thoughts and also note down 5 things that I want to accomplish today. It could be as simple as preparing meals to listening audio book. Knowing what I want to do makes things easy for me and helps me to manage my daily errands. At the end of the day, when I reflect, it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I have done something valuable and made some additions to my wisdom and knowledge. 

3. Trying something new: This was a suggestion by my partner. Why? Because now is the time to explore what I really like. Or may be something that scares me. For example, he suggested to look out for part time jobs to understand what an average person does for living in this city and gain new perspectives. It will also help me to have a set routine :-)  Or learn a new language as I really get anxious about learning something on my own through my own means ( yes, I am an old school person, still like taking classes rather than exploring through freely available knowledge in DIY style). Learning something new always excites me. And apart from excitement, it helps me to take my mind off from daily stress and gives me a sense of satisfaction of learning a new skill. 

Well, these may not be full-proof techniques to help overcome such anxieties. But certainly, these are helping me to keep myself active, boost my mental health and add meaning to my every day life. I am trying to take one day at a time and see what best I can do to make the most of it. 

In case you are a freak like me and have been in a similar situation, please do share your thoughts in the comments section. Even if you are not and have suggestions for me that I can try, please share them with me. Nevertheless, if you enjoyed reading this and have any suggestions for my blogging, please do share your thoughts. 

Enjoy your day!