PAST,PRESENT & FUTURE

12th September, 2009. Saturday. 4:00 p.m. outside temp-38 degree. Inside temp-38 degree( credit to electricity board for 7 hours power cut) patient status: body temp-100 degree.
My nose leaking, my throat in pain, my body aching, my eyes almost closing after every half minute but still my mind trying its best to deceive sleep.
Because there is kind of war going between my thoughts..Ahh..thoughts about the past & future, what happened and what will happen but not “what is happening”….( n I seriously don’t even want to think about my present situation)
It’s true that what we are today is because of our past, how we dealt with our life and its foilables, fallacies, fancies and fun. And what we’ll be tomorrow is decided what we do “today”. But we often neglect our present when we are dreaming about our future or trying to reason out our past by thinking “what if I would have done so..”
Now this “if” clause is also very interesting. “What if I would have studied…”, “what if would have gone there..” , “what if I will get ….” In Hindi we say, “aisa hota toh kya hota” and seriously, it creates havoc in my mind… especially when it reminds me of my unsuccessful attempts reducing my present zing to zilch. But yes, sometimes it does bring a smile on my face when it takes me to the dream world and let me have a look to my perfect future…!!!!
But most of the times, it leaves me questioning my own decisions. At times, I accept them and other I let them go. Some decisions were precarious. Some were truly disastrous. Some brought me peace. And some were just….. I can’t do anything about it and even if I m given a magic wand to change my past, I don’t know whether it will make my life better or worse.
And so , I decided that better to stick with my “present”. A GIFT that I have, why loose this time that’s in my hand and about which I m sure to something that I am uncertain or which is unchangeable. Rather use my experience, let it guide my present actions to build a better and brighter future. So that when I look into mirror after 30-35 years and reflect on my life, I have a wonderful path to look upon.

"We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late."-Marie Beyon Ray

Overcoming Fear Factor

Last night my result was out .And thank God, I passed and to my surprise with good marks. Anyway, what’s more important is this whole event led to a monologue conversation with myself about success, failures and overcoming fears .It got me thinking a lot about my battle with numerous fears over these years..to name a few- fear of rejection, solitude, losing, fear of public speaking, being laughed at..and the biggest of all- fear of failure. And the things that helped me overcoming these fears.

I don’t know how I became a host of these fears, from where they emanated , but certainly I wanted to get rid of them always , for they left me anxious, forlorn and with some wild phantasms of imaginations. With time, I succeeded in getting over most of them, but overcoming ‘fear of failure’ was the toughest call.

Fear of failure – this held me back from stepping out, held me back from reaching out to my dreams. I always longed for some kind of assurance that I would meet success before even putting forward my foot. With the passage of time, I conquered this feeling and now when I ponder about it- the thing that helped me the most was my change of attitude of perceiving failure.

For me, success - failure had been a black and white game. You set a target, and you achieve, its success and if not, then its black out-failure. I forgot that something existed in between. What if I didn’t meet the ultimate goal, I had covered a certain distance and so I cannot be a total failure. I lie somewhere between white and black and this is what I call ‘shade of gray’. This discovery brought a crucial change in my mind-set. My perception to see and relate various shades of gray to my success was like finding Aladdin's lamp. It brought both motivation and optimism in me.

And now, I am no longer harboring this fear. The word ‘failure’ seems amiable to me in comparison to what it appeared before. Defeating the fear is more like committing yourself to FAIL. For me, failure is no longer an antonym of success. It teaches me what is not to be done or what will work better. In other words, it lays path to success.

And of course, how can I forget my friends and all my near and dear ones whose support and faith helped me in overcoming my fears. Thanks to all!!

“Fear isn’t real. It exists only in future. And since, future doesn’t exist..Guess what? Fear doesn’t exist either….” - anonymous.
So live , live freely , without any fear!!!

REDISCOVERING MYSELF

"get a life aru"

a comment was flashing on my new status on facebook..i ignored it initially( whole day) but then at night, before retiring to bed, during my daily introspection, that line flashed back into my memory..and all of the sudden some words started to dazzle in front of my eyes "life, fun, laugh..." I closed my eyes and tried to pray , soon went off to sleep..but those words remain etched in the back of my memory...and for the next few days , whenever i used to be alone or jobless, some random thoughts perturbed me.. and left me disoriented..all this lead to a serious introspection of my present way of living...

and what found out was..that I was actually DEVOID OF LIFE...a vacuum inside me had been created...EVEN THOUGH I WAS ALIVE, I WAS BREATHING , I WASNT LIVING..I WAS MERELY EXISTING...

The more i looked inside myself, my fears grew worse..n then came the worst of all...when i discovered the LOST OF PASSION.., the fire, the drive that kept me going was missing...ghossshhh....i was afraid to know that nothing made me happy...happiness seemed to be an outlandish feeling for me..and i was slowly becoming the person i hate..i was gradually inculcating the habits which I abhorred...i was so much consumed with existing that i had stopped living...i felt so lost...i could sense a gulf created between me and my dreams..i was feeling like an EMPTY SHELL..bound to the chains of my fears and failures and solitude.. this scared me to death..i felt numb...my thoughts were spiraling me down into nothingness...My ears met the wails of my poor soul.. POOR SOUL, A LOST ONE.

...and in midst of this turmoil, a music being played in my neighborhood was trying to reach my ears...( It irked me because it was being played so loud and was kind of hindrance to my thoughts....when my attempts to connect my thoughts failed miserably, i surrendered ..and laid down with close eyes , listening the music...)

"Sometimes i feel fear of uncertainty stinging clear,

and I cant help but ask myself , how much

I'll let fear to take the wheel and steer...."

Each and every word was providing an impetus to my exhausted sub-conscious mind..a ques was put on , ans was awaited.. the ans has to come from within..Is this the way i want to live, actually thrive in this world..? Can i lose my freedom to the evils of my imagination...And impromptu came the ans “ NO, NO .....NNNNOOOOOO…..”

AHH...My heart had finally answered , and this brought a great relief within. Doesn’t matter , life has been unfair to me sometimes, but i just cannot stop dreaming. It struck to me that i have always been a good player of sports..never surrendering to my opponent so easily, fighting to win each and every point..Isn’t LIFE A GAME ?( Though it has its own rules , some weird ones too) How can i surrender so easily to my fate without putting a fight...no, this is not what i m , running away cowardly ....

That moment i realized, how much time i have lost in brooding and complaining to GOD for the scars that were given to me..

The only feeling i lacked was inspiration and faith , faith in my abilities , and faith in GOD .The moment i lost them, i had started digging a grave for myself. Since then, peace of my mind had deserted me. Didn’t matter, how much i used to meditate, my soul always wandered...

Though, few times, i felt the inner urge to move on, but that wasn’t just enough...But these little doses in between always made me felt that the embers within me were still left and all i needed was a little will..a little push...

And as it goes 'better late than never' i m happy to find myself back..to find the lost will power and mind beaming with positive thoughts . Even though, some ques of mine remain unanswered, some thoughts do stir my soul but i don’t let them take on my nerves anymore..

Life has strange ways to teach us lessons..sometimes we pass as though we are born champions and sometimes we fail miserably ..but failures doesn’t mean that life has come to an end..Its just a way to tell us that you need to do a little more 'hard-work', you need to learn to be a little more 'patient' and you need to 'believe' a little more in yourself.. I am happy to find my rhythm back..n i m all set to write my own song...SONG OF LIFE !!!!!

BINGO..!!!

“Sometimes I feel fear of uncertainty stinging clear

and I can’t help but ask myself , how much

I'll let fear to take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before

And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal

But lately I'm beginning to find that I

Should be the one behind the wheel…..”