People around me were jumping and singing, eating and drinking, banging their heads and enjoying the live music being played loud and clear. Everybody seemed to be soaked in that music which was thumping in my ears too but unlike others, I wasn't able to comprehend the words. All I could just see was the human figures dancing to the tunes under the dim disco lights. But for me, this dimness was suffocating, the whole scenario choking me to death and as i saw smoke rising from cigars, I felt my own happiness, my own dreams ending in a smoke too.
I ran out of the place, in an alley lit by a solo street light. And cried my heart out. I wailed, but no one was there to see it, feel it the way I did. Yes, I was in pain and no one was to be blamed for this. I chose my silence and i was reaping the fruit of my own seed of dead voice. It was silence, which I mistakenly took for quietness, but two are way too different, isn't it? I understood finally.
Every time, I chose to be silent when I was required to speak out. I silently followed what others asked me to follow without questioning, without raising eyebrows when in doubt. I silently listened to what they spoke, silently accepted whatever they offered, good or bad. Not even once, I thought twice and whenever I did, I felt myself amidst a bunch of fools and silenced my inquisitiveness. I under-estimated their foolness or over-estimated my strength to bear things, I don't know but today I surely felt victimized by my strength. They say- "Excess of everything has its bad consequences." It certainly has.
But tonight, I want to break off the chains of slavery. I want my voice to be heard, my thoughts to be respected and accepted (well). I want to shred this image of silent mistress, an obedient follower. If this stuns the world, I don't care. For I have cared too much for too long and now I am tired. I am tired for doing everything for other's happiness. I enjoyed it, loved it, still do and will always do but it shouldn't be coming at the cost of my own freedom, my own little happiness and desires. Sooner or later, my patience had to give in and I am not surprised by its breakdown. Its not sudden outburst. The spark has always been inside, just today it turned into burning fire. Thinking what the world will say- has always stopped me from doing what I want but no more worldly-wise barries. I hope it won't hurt much to anybody if I think a little about my ownself , to become a little selfish in this selfish world.
Am I right or wrong, I don't know. All this I wrote is the result of an outrage or my deep hidden thoughts, I don't know. All I know is - I shall continue with my journey of self-discovery, self-realizations and keep stunning everyone and myself with my weird realizations or the sudden dawn of wisdom if I may say ? :P
